My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
