Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
