He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
