My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
