I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Randomize
