If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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