i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
