The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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