I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
