My Higher Power is John Stamos
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
