well I can't set my house on fire every night
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
