I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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