I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
