You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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