Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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