ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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