I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
