I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
