at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
