Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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