Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We just shotgunned beers for America
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
