Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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