Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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