suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
