I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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