So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Randomize
