My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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