There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Everyone says I win the strip club
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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