420 ftw
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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