I like to think it a success when the cops are called
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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