Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
