During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
