Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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