On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
