How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
