what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
