Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
