You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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