My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize