She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
