last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize