Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
