I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
