you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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