some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
