There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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