I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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