dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
