I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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