no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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