I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I party with great urgency now.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
