Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
