You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
