The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize