i just had sex bonerless
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
