I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My penis needs a shock collar
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
