Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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